A testimony. A resource. A memoir.

Dorothy Grace "graduated" from preschool a week ago and I cannot really even believe it. I know that most of life has felt like we are in a weird time warp since 2020, but somehow, this feels crazy to me. Perhaps it is because she's my last baby. Perhaps it is because that's just it - in comparison to my "big" kids, she is still the littlest baby. Perhaps it is because I'm already dreading the speeding train at which life happens once we enter kindergarten. All I know is this: Dorothy Grace, you are magic. To have a front row seat to your life brings me more joy than I'll ever be able to put into words. You are funny, you are endearing, you are witty, you are creative, you are 5 going on 13. The saddest day of this past year was when we got you your first haircut. Yep, we made it to five, but mainly because your curls are what my mama dreams were made of. We had to cut about 6 inches off of your hair and when we did, your ringlets fell heavy an...

July 1, 2013 was the day I had my miscarriage. I hadn't seen the words "Pregnant" on a test since and we have tried for over 4 years. November 21, 2017 may be one of the best days of my life {for now - it will be replaced when you arrive} because hope rushed in. You are growing inside of me - and that is a miracle. Its the greatest gift and I will still not have the words to explain all the emotions in my heart... It may burst.  Sweet, sweet redemption. I don't know why daddy and I didn't put it together in the doctor's office... I'm sure it was because staring at your heartbeat on the screen was so overwhelming in and of itself there was no room for any other thoughts.... but baby, you are due the first week of July. F I V E years later.... the Lord has redeemed our mourning and will turn it to dancing. What has been a day, week, month of great sorrow will now be redeemed with life. Your precious life. It will NEVER, ever take away the pain of losing BR...

When BJ and I were dating and knew we would be getting married, we did what I imagine a lot of couples do... we started dreaming of a family someday and how many kids we wanted and what we wanted them to be named. Before we even married, in a perfect world we wanted 4 kids - 2 boys, 2 girls - and as close together in age as possible. Right after our first anniversary, we found out we were pregnant and so began the family years for us..... We didn't find out the gender in our first two pregnancies, so we also decided to keep our names super close and private just to us... if it was a girl, we were going to name her Dorothy Grace... and well, wouldn't you know our first baby was a girl... but, she wasn't Dorothy Grace. BJ and I both knew it right when we met her... we stared at her and stared at her and decided she was definitely our Eleanor Michael. This is other name we knew we would use if we had more than one daughter... and so it was, we surprised ourselves and used th...

Back in August I wrote my heart out sharing my quiet, an often not so quiet, pain that I have felt for the last four years. I wanted to put my thoughts down in words, maybe for the 100th time, but often in my writing I find the real wrestle in my heart. I've struggled deeply with the promise that God is good. I KNOW He is good.... but the "even if not".... the even if we aren't spared from this raging fire in Babylon, even if we lose it all, even if we never receive what our hearts want most... He is still good and its all for His glory and our goodness. I've struggled and wrestled and prayed and yelled and cried for the last four years begging to believe this truth in the midst of isolating, then marital, then family pain desiring for our family to grow. And here is where He has been so sweet.... I've had to wrestle. I've had to admit that I'm struggling believing it (He knew). I had to shepherd my children through that very same pain and confusion.  ...