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Dad's Xmas Gift

Word!
5 calls to the Peditrician
4 hours sleep (in a 24 hr. period)
3 gasping, chokings
2 sick babies
And a restless heart for the night...

I start you all off with this familiar song of the season to help contextualize our recent lives. My and Karen's anxiety and stress has risen greatly over the last few days due to Eleanor's double ear infection and sinus 'stuff' Tripp has come to have. We have argued, prayed, asked for help, resisted help, googled, argued, prayed... it's kinda like shampoo. Rinse and repeat.

One huge frustration of mine these last several days has been Eleanor's appetite, or lack there of. She lost 1.5 lbs since our last visit to the hospital, a couple weeks before Tripp was born. People, she only weighed 19 lbs to start, and she's 16 months old. In reality she runs around all day like a crazy woman, talks a lot and then crashes for a nap, wakes up, runs around the rest of the day... shampoo. But as she began to get sick she lost her appetite and started giving us the stiff arm to food, literally. Being her dad I heard the news of weight loss and thought, I'll fix this. I will take the responsibility completely of getting her to eat. How can a baby out-last, out-wit and out-maneuver her dad? I have a college degree. I can not get my daughter to drink 8 ozs. of chocolate milk. CHOCOLATE. Frustration is the tip of the iceberg. I actually got angry at my loss of control. My sin became real and apparent. I'm having a problem with the gospel.

I am dissatisfied with what is happening in my life right now. God is not receiving from me worship, but distant indifference. I am not wrong to want health for my kids. It is a fantastic prayer to ask for healing and remedy. But, if I ask to move out of any situation with out asking what am I supposed to learn about God I am missing the point of life. My kids are not sick because God is distant, vengeful or indifferent. They are sick to get me to experience a more full life with X. This time in our lives ordained by God is to have me at a computer contemplating how neglectful I've truly been of the lord the last weeks. And to then move me to change. On the extreme pendulum instant health or momentary death may be only a breath away. But in the practice of regular Xian living I am missing the mark. What has escaped my thoughts, prayers and beliefs until this very night are the words of Jesus when tempted by satan.
"Man shall not live by bread alone, but every word the proceeds from the mouth of God".
Eleanor will likely eat well again. Tripp will breathe easy and be free of snot. But I will never have this time back to be obedient to God. If God is who He says he is, believe Him. So be it.
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B said…
sometimes i write really great insightful stuff. i needed to here me just now.
May 29, 2013 at 7:32 AM
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