A testimony. A resource. A memoir.

Tomorrow, you are seven. Eleanor..... do you even know how much my world has changed with you in it? You aren't perfect. But baby girl, you are everything. I'll never be able to put into words the magnitude of love my heart holds for you. I {love} hate the fact that I remember exactly, I mean EXACTLY, the moment when labor began with you and yet.... you are seven. you are SEVEN. how? sweetie, these years are going by so quickly... too quickly.... and my heart just can't keep up. I told someone a few months ago that I would give my right arm to get back those first few months with you for just a day... and I'm struggling repeating that sentiment today because I know in just a few short years I'll be pleading to repeat ages five, six, seven and beyond with you again. I've probably written this before but in case I haven't... I remember about two weeks after you were born I was walking in Northpark mall with you when a man came up to me and asked how old my...

I will never forget the morning I learned about you.... I'd been feeling so sick for so long and had absolutely no thought that it could possibly be you. Nevertheless, when I woke up on December 1st, 2009, the very first thing I learned that day was that you were on the way. Daddy fist bumped the air and skipped out the door with an extra spring in his step...  I spent most of that day crying - silly me, I had no idea that you were my miracle. I will never forget our first sonogram and telling the doctor we wanted to be surprised by who you were  - we wanted to pray over your character for the full 40 weeks without knowing specifics. It was our joy to pray as we watched you grow, to dream as we prepared our lives for you.... we moved to Coppell because of you... it was my joy to eat cottage cheese and fruit to my heart's content (and it warms my heart to know that cottage cheese is still your favorite food). July 31, 2010 was the day you were born and was the day my life c...

Today is an anniversary that I imagine many who have one, like me, hate to recognize. It was in the wee hours of the morning just one year ago that I woke up and knew.... that precious Baby #3 that my body was carrying, was no longer going to be a baby I would carry on earth. To say it was horrific would be an understatement. Not just because of the physical act in and of itself, but because in that very moment hopes, dreams, plans for our future were stolen. I remember being so matter-of-fact when I told BJ what was happening... its was about 4am, so it kind of seemed matter-of-fact. But it was in waking up that morning... realizing it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare... my real life nightmare. Something strange happened as I lost that sweet baby... many of my close friends are aware, but about 10 days later I had a pretty bad fall while picking up Tripp. When I fell, I didn't get back on my feet for the next 5 weeks (literally) with the exception of Eleanor's birthday...

Today is a big day in the Rector household. Today begins a new era for our family. I don’t know if I can adequately put my feelings into words to describe where we are, the changes that today bring, and all that they mean for us. But I’ll try.  In July 2012 I began a (little) journey that was completely foreign to me. After the transition home from event planning to raising Eleanor and Tripp, I quickly realized that living under a tight budget was possible, but scary considering how expensive life is and will continue to be. I knew that BJ was doing what he could to give me what I desired most… the chance to be home and raise our babies. The toll was large because it took him out of the home, sometimes out of the city, to provide financially for our family to look the way it did.  So when I was introduced to a little business called Rodan + Fields, I was intrigued by the simple fact that inside my home, on my terms, in my yoga pants and during nap time, I could bring in ...

I'll never forget writing this letter…. I thought about it all day and would not allow myself to go to bed until I had written it. I wanted Baby #3 to know my exact thoughts the day I learned of them - just like I had for Eleanor and Tripp. I guess the funny (actually, not funny at all) thing about writing it, was that I was scared the whole time. I was so nervous that if I actually put my thoughts on paper (or in the computer) that anything going wrong would be magnified that much more. I call that funny only because I really didn't have that with E and T…. of course I was always nervous or scared that I could lose them in the womb, but I don't know if I can explain it. Just a different feeling…. one that I guess I couldn't really believe it was that easy again, pregnant for the third time., and it felt really fragile. So I wrote what is below…. knowing that the letter to our sweet Baby #3 would be the first in their baby book (um, this blog) like E and T both have....

I guess there is a part of me that really hates writing this, but at the same time I believe that it was no accident that yesterday's conversation with Eleanor took place. It always amazes me, it is literally constantly mind-blowing, how sanctifying child - bearing / rearing really is. Its like the Lord is trying to shake me…. "are you listening??? please tell me you heard that, Karen….". I just want to say I get it, today, I get it.  It really has all started ever since my little darling, precious, perfect angel baby turned 3 years old. Its as if something woke up this part of her that she nor I are familiar with… and well, if I am being completely honest a part that I am NOT loving. (Keeping it real here, sweetheart… you'll understand when you are a mom someday). It is as if Eleanor has realized that she can have an opinion about, well, what can't she have an opinion about?.... gasp. All of the sudden challenging momma's thoughts or ideas is not only pos...

Yesterday we celebrated Eleanor turning THREE years old. I have to pause for a moment.... I just said my baby girl is three. I literally feel as though life was put on lightning-speed mode once my kiddos were born. Throughout the day yesterday, I constantly had to remember that we were celebrating.... I purposefully made the biggest deal out of her third birthday making sure it was FUN, exciting and meaningful for her.... Eleanor, it was all for you, but at the same time I felt like I needed to make it such a big deal because this sentimental momma was actually having a pretty tough time coming to grips with how fast it has all seemed to zoom past us. I kept thinking about the mundane and monotonous days that we sometimes have and how it seems like the hours last for days.... and how in that moment, yesterday, I wished for each hour to slow down a bit more. I wanted it to feel long, I wanted to sit and hold her, I wanted to listen to her talk or sing to herself while playing with her t...