It is no secret, though of course it is not in all of my conversations, that we have been struggling with infertility for the last 4 years. My last pregnancy was in 2013 and resulted in an early miscarriage.... from that point on, we have been unable to conceive. We've visited all our doctors, specialists, had tests run and small procedures done... but we have never once seen those sweet two lines on a test again. I won't lie - it sucks and it has sucked every day for the last 4 years. But somehow, the Lord has also really done a great work in my heart through this struggle and wanting. For the longest time I would pray Daniel 3:18 just yearning to believe the words that even "if not, He is still good." Truly, I didn't believe it - didn't want to believe it because then I told myself that was a way of letting God off of the hook - if I confessed that He was good, His plan for our family is good, regardless if I get what I want.... well, then just take what I want off the table. I couldn't believe it. If I'm being honest, I still pray that prayer but He has softened my heart to actually believe such painful truth. He is good, even if not.
But our fertility journey doesn't just stop with me and BJ. Over the years, at seemingly random times, either Eleanor or Tripp would simply state that they wanted me to have a baby. I felt like every time they asked this question my heart was going to rip out of my chest or I was going to hyperventilate trying to navigate answering their request. Every time, I would turn it to prayer. Every time, I reminded them that is such a sweet desire to have, and that I share it with them, and that maybe we could ask Jesus together to give us such a gift - and I had to teach them what I am trying to hard to believe..... I would say, "but hey... if He says no, He is still so good. He gave me you and you have each other. What an unbelievable gift we already have." Talk about having to be faced with a great reality check, every time. It is NOT lost on me that I have two miracles. Miracles that even one specialist could not believe we have based on our current issues. Eleanor and Tripp were surprises, but they are NO accident. I believe them to be my miracles.
The questions haven't stopped, the begging for me to have more kids hasn't quit, and their prayers now are offered without me prompting them. I find them in Eleanor's diary, I hear them when I tuck them in at night (not every night, but often enough), I realize that my kids actually want a baby just as much as I have for all of these years. And now we are to the part where they are having to grapple with the idea that if our family doesn't grow, He is still good. Its a hard lesson for a 5 and 7 year old. Today, Tripper said its not fair. Eleanor agreed.
And honestly, my heart truly believes that He is still good.... but this is a tough one to navigate. Its painful. It requires me to be strong, even though I'm broken over it, too. It allows me to show my kids disappointment, and that life isn't always going to give us everything we want, and that sometimes not receiving x,y, or z is actually part of God's best plan. Its made me cry in front of my kids, vulnerable enough to admit that I don't know what the future holds, I'm sad too, and yet I'm overwhelmingly thankful because they exist. And they are enough. They are MORE than my heart could have ever dreamed. And He is good. He has always been and will always be good.
Today, we celebrated ways that our family has grown. The babies that we get to love on while not having one that the four of us call our own..... we talked about Ruby, Stella Kate, Wallace, Callan, Brooks and tons of other littles that let us snuggle up and adore them. Friends that let you love like family fill our love tanks. They fill my kiddos tanks and right now, that makes harder days a little lighter. So, it is not just hard on me. But if this brings me, BJ, Eleanor and Tripp to further understand the nature, heart, and goodness of God... we will praise Him for gently loving us, giving us each other, giving us framily and family to snuggle, and for using it all to draw us closer to Him.
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